18 November 2008

FASHION: Stand-Up Comedians

Today marks a very important day in this blog. I will be writing about fashion. The least meaningful of the arts. And nowhere is the least meaningful of the arts less meaningful than in the world of stand-up comedy. I'll be giving these in a list. If you don't know what a "rider" is, go away.


BJ Novak

Act: BJ Novak is the stand-up comedian's stand-up comedian. He isn't very funny, there's nothing interesting about his act, and he made a name for himself on a TV show that will probably be canceled very soon.

The Clothes Say: "I am the everyman. Look at how loose-fitting and relaxed my relaxed-fit jeans are. I was about to go to a job interview, which is why I have on this nice jacket and dress shirt, but what the hell, I guess I'll just throw on these relaxed-fitting jeans and go tell some jokes for some of my friends. Who needs a job when you have friends like you guys? Not me!"

Rider:
1) A fun-sized bottle of Poland Spring Water
2) A fun-sized packet of Peanut M&Ms

Patton Oswalt

Act: You can tell by the way he's standing in this picture that Patton Oswalt will tell a lot of funny jokes. He's holding two fingers in the air...is he trying to communicate the word "peace"? No, he's probably making a gesture indicating the number two. What about those loose-fitting jeans? They were probably on sale.

The Clothes Say: "I am trapped in the early 90s in the body of my then-uncle Sal, who was an all-around fun guy who tried to learn how to snowboard with me and my friends this one time. Sal killed himself to escape clinical depression."

Rider:
1) Potato Chips
2) Can of Pibb Extra

Dane Cook

I've given up writing full sentences.

Act:
1) Tell fart Jokes
2) Tell sex story
3) Show penis

The Clothes Say: "Do you want to see my penis?"

Rider:
1) 13-year-olds
2) 2-Liter of Pibb Extra
3) Polaroid camera
4) Trojan Enz

Doug Stanhope

Act:
1) Vomit onstage
2) Talk about penis
3) Show penis
4) Vomit on penis

The Clothes Say: "I just need a few bucks for gas. My car's just a few blocks away, and I gotta get back to Jersey. Come on, man, just a few bucks. I got kids in the car. They're not my kids, but they're still in the car."

Rider:
1) 40 of OE
2) Purel
3) Lighter
4) Dachsund

Sarah Silverman

Act:
1) Stand still for five minutes as audience laughs
2) Vomit undigested Zoloft
3) Tell Jewish joke
3) Blowjobs

The Clothes Say: "Isn't this embarrassing? I know! It's so embarrassing! That's what's funny about it!"

Rider:
1) Nair
2) 2-Liter bottle of Zoloft
3) Photograph of own tits

Eddie Murphy

Act:
1) Cocaine-eating contest with front row of audience
2) Tell jokes at five-times the maximum explicable speed
3) Cosby impression

The Clothes Say: "I have come from the future to rape your women and...no, that's about it. Just the raping part."

Rider:
1) Hot dogs
2) 12 hyena kneecaps
3) Kayak full of angel dust

13 November 2008

REVIEW: The Job I Was Laid Off From Today


Meh.

We're living in a world where firing loyal employees is better than losing a few hundred bucks over the holiday season. But when those employees can't fucking buy Christmas presents for their children, it kind of blows. Business is always personal.

Also, I don't have children. Thank God. Because they would not be getting any Christmas presents this year.

Luckily, I also don't have friends.

Expect posts more frequently.

11 November 2008

REVIEW: Morningwood - Sugarbaby EP


Taste Your Rating: 698.77/1000.00

This is the first part in a series of reviews where I review the first five bands that you retard goblins put in the comments. Upcoming is a review of The Depths.

But, honestly, we couldn't have started in a better place. Morningwood makes the kind of music that I imagine people make in prison in their heads when they're trying desperately to push out the ambient sounds of grunting from the other cells. Morningwood is a girl-fronted (her fucking name is Chantal for fuck's sake) power-pop band whose sexual confidence is matched only by what I can only assume is their quickly growing realization that, one day, they will die.

Let me clear this up. I'm not saying that I realize that they will die (I do). I'm not saying they deserve to die (they do). What I'm saying is that what I find most compelling about this album is that every member of this band will die. They will all be dead. For example, in one particularly masturbatory moment, Chantel Claret spells the name of the band: M-O-R-N-I-N-G-W-O-O-D. In that same moment, somewhere beneath the noise of powerchords and synthesizer runs, underneath the aural experience of that danceable little number, the music self-consciously spells something else: I-A-M-S-L-O-W-L-Y-D-Y-I-N-G-B-Y-V-I-R-T-U-E-O-F-M-Y-B-E-I-N-G-A-L-I-V-E.

This I find absolutely fascinating. The idea of a band that is at once perched atop life in the most artificially sexualized pose imaginable, perhaps a band even in the process of fucking as the songs take place, at the very same moment that the band is, in the grand scheme of human life (if not all life as we know it) about to be dead. Morningwood had their debut LP out a few years ago, and this is their second release--an EP, or extended player. They are also dying.

The first thing that happens is that the telemeres in the cells begin to slowly "fray" at the edges. This is a sign of cell aging. Then, as the cells age, they begin to lose function. This process is replicated throughout most of our body systems. At some point, the heart stops, and blood no longer flows to vital organs and tissues. When these tissues can't get oxygen or other important elements and nutrients, they too die, until we think of the whole person as dead. But when exactly does death occur? Does it occur when the heart stops beating? When the conscious brain refuses to function due to lack of oxygen? When does one die?

I'm not sure. I'm not sure about all of those things. But when Chantal Claret sings "She's undone / He can't cum / Still time for her to go and get some" as a puppet in the below video, all I can think of is the fact that, like all things, her youth will eventually fail her and that her body will die.

03 November 2008

REVIEW: Your Band

I'll be reviewing the first five bands whose websites arrive in the comment section to this post. They don't have to be your band. They don't have to be your friend's band. I will review anything. Limited time offer.

But you know what to expect.