18 November 2008

FASHION: Stand-Up Comedians

Today marks a very important day in this blog. I will be writing about fashion. The least meaningful of the arts. And nowhere is the least meaningful of the arts less meaningful than in the world of stand-up comedy. I'll be giving these in a list. If you don't know what a "rider" is, go away.

BJ Novak

Act: BJ Novak is the stand-up comedian's stand-up comedian. He isn't very funny, there's nothing interesting about his act, and he made a name for himself on a TV show that will probably be canceled very soon.

The Clothes Say: "I am the everyman. Look at how loose-fitting and relaxed my relaxed-fit jeans are. I was about to go to a job interview, which is why I have on this nice jacket and dress shirt, but what the hell, I guess I'll just throw on these relaxed-fitting jeans and go tell some jokes for some of my friends. Who needs a job when you have friends like you guys? Not me!"

1) A fun-sized bottle of Poland Spring Water
2) A fun-sized packet of Peanut M&Ms

Patton Oswalt

Act: You can tell by the way he's standing in this picture that Patton Oswalt will tell a lot of funny jokes. He's holding two fingers in the air...is he trying to communicate the word "peace"? No, he's probably making a gesture indicating the number two. What about those loose-fitting jeans? They were probably on sale.

The Clothes Say: "I am trapped in the early 90s in the body of my then-uncle Sal, who was an all-around fun guy who tried to learn how to snowboard with me and my friends this one time. Sal killed himself to escape clinical depression."

1) Potato Chips
2) Can of Pibb Extra

Dane Cook

I've given up writing full sentences.

1) Tell fart Jokes
2) Tell sex story
3) Show penis

The Clothes Say: "Do you want to see my penis?"

1) 13-year-olds
2) 2-Liter of Pibb Extra
3) Polaroid camera
4) Trojan Enz

Doug Stanhope

1) Vomit onstage
2) Talk about penis
3) Show penis
4) Vomit on penis

The Clothes Say: "I just need a few bucks for gas. My car's just a few blocks away, and I gotta get back to Jersey. Come on, man, just a few bucks. I got kids in the car. They're not my kids, but they're still in the car."

1) 40 of OE
2) Purel
3) Lighter
4) Dachsund

Sarah Silverman

1) Stand still for five minutes as audience laughs
2) Vomit undigested Zoloft
3) Tell Jewish joke
3) Blowjobs

The Clothes Say: "Isn't this embarrassing? I know! It's so embarrassing! That's what's funny about it!"

1) Nair
2) 2-Liter bottle of Zoloft
3) Photograph of own tits

Eddie Murphy

1) Cocaine-eating contest with front row of audience
2) Tell jokes at five-times the maximum explicable speed
3) Cosby impression

The Clothes Say: "I have come from the future to rape your women and...no, that's about it. Just the raping part."

1) Hot dogs
2) 12 hyena kneecaps
3) Kayak full of angel dust


Anonymous said...

i don't know what a rider is so i spent 3 seconds thinking about it and then wrote this. i want a burrito.

Philip Brightmore said...

good god

Anonymous said...

^ celebrity