18 November 2008

FASHION: Stand-Up Comedians

Today marks a very important day in this blog. I will be writing about fashion. The least meaningful of the arts. And nowhere is the least meaningful of the arts less meaningful than in the world of stand-up comedy. I'll be giving these in a list. If you don't know what a "rider" is, go away.


BJ Novak

Act: BJ Novak is the stand-up comedian's stand-up comedian. He isn't very funny, there's nothing interesting about his act, and he made a name for himself on a TV show that will probably be canceled very soon.

The Clothes Say: "I am the everyman. Look at how loose-fitting and relaxed my relaxed-fit jeans are. I was about to go to a job interview, which is why I have on this nice jacket and dress shirt, but what the hell, I guess I'll just throw on these relaxed-fitting jeans and go tell some jokes for some of my friends. Who needs a job when you have friends like you guys? Not me!"

Rider:
1) A fun-sized bottle of Poland Spring Water
2) A fun-sized packet of Peanut M&Ms

Patton Oswalt

Act: You can tell by the way he's standing in this picture that Patton Oswalt will tell a lot of funny jokes. He's holding two fingers in the air...is he trying to communicate the word "peace"? No, he's probably making a gesture indicating the number two. What about those loose-fitting jeans? They were probably on sale.

The Clothes Say: "I am trapped in the early 90s in the body of my then-uncle Sal, who was an all-around fun guy who tried to learn how to snowboard with me and my friends this one time. Sal killed himself to escape clinical depression."

Rider:
1) Potato Chips
2) Can of Pibb Extra

Dane Cook

I've given up writing full sentences.

Act:
1) Tell fart Jokes
2) Tell sex story
3) Show penis

The Clothes Say: "Do you want to see my penis?"

Rider:
1) 13-year-olds
2) 2-Liter of Pibb Extra
3) Polaroid camera
4) Trojan Enz

Doug Stanhope

Act:
1) Vomit onstage
2) Talk about penis
3) Show penis
4) Vomit on penis

The Clothes Say: "I just need a few bucks for gas. My car's just a few blocks away, and I gotta get back to Jersey. Come on, man, just a few bucks. I got kids in the car. They're not my kids, but they're still in the car."

Rider:
1) 40 of OE
2) Purel
3) Lighter
4) Dachsund

Sarah Silverman

Act:
1) Stand still for five minutes as audience laughs
2) Vomit undigested Zoloft
3) Tell Jewish joke
3) Blowjobs

The Clothes Say: "Isn't this embarrassing? I know! It's so embarrassing! That's what's funny about it!"

Rider:
1) Nair
2) 2-Liter bottle of Zoloft
3) Photograph of own tits

Eddie Murphy

Act:
1) Cocaine-eating contest with front row of audience
2) Tell jokes at five-times the maximum explicable speed
3) Cosby impression

The Clothes Say: "I have come from the future to rape your women and...no, that's about it. Just the raping part."

Rider:
1) Hot dogs
2) 12 hyena kneecaps
3) Kayak full of angel dust

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

i don't know what a rider is so i spent 3 seconds thinking about it and then wrote this. i want a burrito.

Philip Brightmore said...

good god

Anonymous said...

^ celebrity