23 December 2009

Got raped during holocaust

JOKE :D

Got raped

After all my talk about never being raped, I went and got raped. You gotta be kiddin me!! I was walking down the street, you know the one, when BAM! Rapetown. Population 5. Well, I certainly learned my lesson. No more talking about what'll never happen to me. At least I'll never have to live through something terrible like getting raped during the holocaust.

I'll never get raped

I think I can safely say that I will never be raped. Is that weird to say? I just think there are a lot of wacky and interesting things that will probably happen in my life, but rape does not lie in my future. I will not be traveling the primrose path to the rose garden of rape. Who wants to rape me? Nobody, that's who. No rape for me.

25 October 2009

First Post!

Hi all you crazy cats out there in internetland, hahaha!

Today is the first post of my all new blog, Taste your Maker! We're bringing in all the fun stuff from the internet straight to your homepage doorstep. Do you have what it takes to laugh with the best of the people on the internet and the best of blogspace? Don't worry about it! We'll get together and make sure that all the fun quotas are met, here on Taste Your Makers!

Love,
Samuel

02 August 2009

Tips on using crack!

Somebody was nice enough to compile a few helpful tips on using crack!

27 July 2009

Published

We did it.

Page 6.

It's real.

We are published.

14 June 2009

The Onion: Liberty Killed in Iraq


Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Miracleman Is Awesome

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marvelman

I would take a gander at the plot synopsis of the Alan Moore-penned saga.

"The gory excess of Kid Miracleman's rampage and that of the battle which followed when Miracleman and his allies return to discover the carnage is highly disturbing, featuring a degree of violence not previously seen in superhero battles. John Totleben's detailed apocalyptic renderings are still acclaimed today (by the few who possess a copy of the book). Depicted are people running from a rain of severed hands and feet, skins hung up on clothes lines, corpses impaled on the hands of Big Ben, the Tower Bridge in ruin, mounds of severed heads, heads on pikes, cars full of people plummeting to earth, mutilated children wandering screaming through the streets, and countless dead bodies."

GAC

Wolf Shirt: This Is So Hilarious

http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-media/product-gallery/B000NZW3IY/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_all

29 May 2009

Tennis

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/30/sports/tennis/30tennis.html?_r=1&hp

18 May 2009

Retard Ketchup

If you have a permanently mentally handicapped child, you know all too well the fuss and care it takes to make your child look like he's not mentally handicapped. You spend hours dressing him in the most modern sweaters and shorts, getting the most fashionable and athletic-looking Reeboks money can buy. You even hire local girls to take him on dates where the non-retarded children go. 

But, if you're a retard parent, you know that the effort you expend can be negated in one squeeze of a hamburger or tug of a hot dog. All of a sudden, your careful and attentive mothering turns into a fat, watery streak of ketchup that just screams out "I am retarded and my mother can't clean me...mahgghghghgirgz!"

No more!
New from the makers of Rape Device© comes Retard Ketchup©! Twice as effective as the other brands, Retard Ketchup© combines the salty flavors of store-variety ketchup with the less-embarrassing color of a translucent mayonnaise. 

When your retarted child suddenly gets the urge to force three hamburgers down his mouth hole, never fear. The scientists at our Ketchup Laboratories have devised a secret ketchup formula that's basically invisible on the skin and clothing--focus groups have compared the clarity, translucence and consistency of Retard Ketchup© to mucous or cloudy shampoo. No longer will little Jimmy or Sally be considered the outcast, retarded, good-for-nothing, annoying little bastards that society stigmatizes them as. Now, they're just one of the gang!

Get yours today. Also available in Black and Hispanic varieties.

17 May 2009

12 May 2009

clicke here

fore a picture of my bonere:

boner photographe

10 May 2009

By You in the Bayou

This is a song I wrote a few years ago, sung by a good friend of mine. That's me on the electrical guitar.

It's called "By You in the Bayou". I was going to make a video for it, but it's nine minutes long, so I'm making a video for something else you asshole.



Download here:
By You In The Bayou

09 May 2009

Porno Title

Cloudy with a Chance of Fucking

03 May 2009

Penis Wolverine


I should really be given an award.

Glad You're Acting Rationally, Iraq.

Can I just re-inform you all that swine flue is not communicable by eating pork. Or going to the zoo.

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- Three wild boars were put to sleep in Iraq on Friday because of swine flu fears, a zoo official said.
The decision to kill the 10-year-old wild boars in Baghdad was a precautionary measure by the government to prevent an outbreak of swine flu, said Adel Musa, the zoo director.
It was done "to break a barrier of fear" zoo visitors had developed in recent days because of the spread of swine flu worldwide, he said.
The animals were tested prior to being put to sleep and found not to carry the virus, Musa said, adding that they were killed humanely.
Iraq had no reported cases of swine flu -- known as influenza A (H1N1) -- as of Sunday, the World Health Organization said.
The government has allocated $30 million to respond to possible outbreaks, according to the Iraqi ministry of health.
Health officials at border crossings are checking travelers for swine flu symptoms, it said.
The Kurdistan Regional Government, the country's semiautonomous Kurdish region in the north, which has a large number of wild boars, has banned boar hunting, said Zirian Othman, the region's health minister.
Othman said residents are being advised not to eat pork. Medical teams have been deployed to the region's international airports to monitor travelers, especially those from affected countries, he said.
Should the region be affected by the virus, there is enough medication for 75,000 people, Othman said.

02 May 2009

The pilot was reenacting a John Candy movie.

Outhouses Cushion Small Plane Crash in Wash State
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: May 2, 2009
Filed at 12:00 p.m. ET

PUYALLUP, Wash. (AP) -- A small airplane dropping from the sky after its engine failed wound up on a cushioning bunch of portable toilets -- and the pilot was able to walk away apparently unhurt.

Gary Mayor of the Federal Aviation Administration says the Cessna 182 crashed Friday afternoon in Washington state after taking off from Thun Field, an airfield owned by Pierce County southeast of Tacoma.

Sheriff's spokesman Ed Troyer says the plane was about 150 feet in the air when the engine quit.

Troyer told The News Tribune that the pilot tried to turn around to land but didn't quite make it.

The plane hit a fence, flipped over and landed upside down on top of the portable toilets standing in a storage yard.

Authorities didn't immediately give the pilot's identity.

30 April 2009

Look At This Fucking Blog!!!!!11??

http://lookatthisfuckinghipster.tumblr.com/

Scroll to the bottom. This blog is racist.

Love,
Philip Brightmore

26 April 2009

Introducing...Sister Blog!

After a long time without a sister blog, "Taste Your Maker" (henceforth LESSEE) now has a rigamarole of a sister blog! Believe it!

http://taste5maker.blogspot.com

If you've never heard of Bird Snatching, now's the best time to hear about Bird Snatching, because you will never be presented with a second opportunity.

25 April 2009

Live Blogging Today

Check out our new Live Blog of the NFL Draft!!

http://taste6maker.blogspot.com

22 April 2009

It's been a great ride

It's sort of ironic that I would be shutting down the blog after doing all those stupid "I'm shutting down the blog" jokes. Maybe the best way to end this thing is by just never posting again, but I've come to a place in my life where I just don't have the time to keep up with everything. So, the long and short of it is, I won't be posting anymore.

The whole joke of this blog had sort of become "It's funny because it's not funny. It's so not funny that I'm entertained by it." At least that was what I was going for. But you can only take that schtick so far before it loses momentum, and with my new job and the screenplay I'm trying to write, it's really become sort of an uphill battle.

Needless to say, I'll still be keeping in touch with all of you in my normal everyday life. Feel free to shoot me an email at tasteyourmaker@gmail.com whenever you want to talk. But consider TYM (and its affiliate blogs) archival sites.

Thanks everyone! I really do love and appreciate your support.

-"Philip"

Ingmar Bergman??!!! lololol

It's time for a joke!

11 April 2009

Celebrating 2 Years Of Web Racism

?tion: how fast does it goe Thanks for joining u, ladies and gentlemen. Throughout the history of the website and the internet, many things have been said, or pointed at. Is it ? What kinds of things have you done on the website? I can nearly guarantee this website is more elaborate and the best than any of website.

I've been webmaster here at Tasty Maker for two years now, and things aren't getting any more. That's why

I AM SHUTTING DOWN TASTE YOUR MAKER FOR imminently BECAUSE OF RACISM and

I think we all meet challenges in our lives, whether or not we want to admit it. And with challenge in mind, it's time to set out and meet new challenges. What kinds of challenges, you ask? All kinds of challenges. My challenges that I've challenged myself about were to figure out if I was a racist, and it turns out that I am a racist. For example, the blacks. So I am shutting down my racist site. You can find me on the web at http://tasteyourmaker2.blogspot.com

answer: 7 mphour

10 April 2009

New School Protest/Break-in



I'm thinking that cop punched that kid for no reason. I'm thinking that kid should sue the fuck out of the NYPD.

I'm also thinking all of the protesters are quad-tarded.

06 April 2009

I Got Dreams

DREAMS

NUMBER 1
Dream Wrists. My dream wrists are so strong I can carry heavy boxes and hurl javelins and hurl heavy boxes at my javelin buddies. Javelin Buddy: "Hey, what the hell Phil. What in the hell." Me: "Sorry, Lamil, I had to express my dream wrists. So sloppy."

#2 dream
Fantastic spiders teach me to stop being so hard on myself. Spider: "Draw your weapons." Me: "What in the hell spiders." Spider: "You're being two hard on yourself Phil. I gotta get some serious miracle spray. It's not what you'd expect."

Drthreem:
Mountain Climbing In Northern Spain. "Sorry sir, all our mountains are taken. It's the balmy weather and the Spanish." Me: "I don't see any fucking blue daisies, you asshole. You promised me all the daisies in all the colors. Draw your weapons." Spain: "Not Like You'd Know, German Fuck." Me: "Draw your weapons."

$4444 dream
Mentality? I miracle doves insatiablillililil. Has you ever drawn your weapons?

Dr5am
Unmistakable. It's the best one of all. Stop bothering me. God: "Philly, it's me, God." Me: "God, it's me, Philip Brightmore. I know we haven't talked a lot in the past, but...BLAM." And that's when I punch him right in his armpit and make off with the doves.

05 April 2009

Mickey Tomatopaste Wallpaper

Get one now while it lasts!

New Job

I got a new job. These are new terms you should memorize:

Butt Sadness/Butt Grief
This is anything to do with the butt that is uncomfortable or causes your shame meter to increase.

Butt Smiles
This is anything to do with the butt that is comfortable or causes your smiles meter to increase.

Mudd Jellies
This is a street term for a new, really hard drug. Instead of making you more addicted the more you use it, it makes you less addicted, until eventually you're scared and run away whenever your buddies bust out their Mudd Jellies for an afternoon of hard drug use and watching Hook on TBS. Would you believe it!

Graper
This is paper made out of grouper skin.

Mickey Tomatopaste
A weird friend of your uncle's that tries to put his fingers in your mouth, then gets arrested at a Hardee's a couple weeks later for grand larceny.

31 March 2009

Butt Sadness


I got eyeball tears.

28 March 2009

26 March 2009

Great Opportunity To Buy Consoles

This is why I love YouTube.

24 March 2009

Food Court

It's a reality show where people bring in relatives who can't cook, and the judge and jury get to try their terrible food/improve the recipe.

I am going to be rich.

Found Art

This is my first time on this site, and just from reading what you and others have written, I find the idea of a writer’s assistant very appealing. I have been trying to write books for years, but other than that, I have had no idea whatsoever about how I could get my foot in the door. This looks to be a great way to become an author, which has always been my greatest dream. Although I am currently in the military, I don’t think of myself as a “military” person. I want to write books, and weave stories from of my strange and dark imagination. I want people to read my books and do what they will with the stories, whether they love or hate them. I am now living in Clovis, New Mexico, the armpit of the U.S. and, surprisingly have had a series of ideas for a great story. The trouble is, I don’t have the time I need to write when I feel the urge to! So, one thing I would like to know: Wht would be the background I might need to impress a writer enough to hire me as an assistant? And, one more thing: Is there anyone in particular who needs an assistant and would give me a shot to impress them? My E-mail, if it doesn’t already show up is XXXXXX119@aol.com. I would love a chance to be a writer’s assistant!

23 March 2009

21 March 2009

PITCHFORK FUCKERY: Chairlift

This was posted on Pitchfork about a recent live show by the band Chairlift:

I've always been in awe-- and more than a little jealous-- of girls like Chairlift singer-keyboardist Caroline Polachek. She's just seems so effortlessly beautiful, never looking like she's wearing makeup or paying any attention to what she's wearing, yet radiating sexiness and peace and happiness.

Last night, Polachek wore a ripped-up men's button down shirt-- sleeves cut out to reveal a black bra-- and tight denim shorts. And I don't know WHAT was going on with her legs-- she either has lines resembling the outlines of some very complicated stockings tattooed on her, or she drew them on there. Either way, it looked amazing. If most people did that, we would just look like idiots with weird lines scrawled on our legs. But Polachek pulled it off gracefully.

It would be easy to hate on someone like Caroline Polachek if you just looked at her, but Chairlift's music is too seductive to dismiss.

I only posted this in case you needed further proof that independent music is dead. Decapitated, dismemebered, evidence of anal and vaginal rape. Dead. Have a funeral. Collect the insurance money. Buy a boat. It's gone.

19 March 2009

This One's For John

http://www.smashingpumpkins.com/pages/articles/kafka-heavy-metal-machines

Official SmashingPumpkins.com blog post about literary references in Zeitgeist. My body is made out of laughter.

Making The News!

Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that one of our readers has made the news. Check out the wiki article!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josef_Fritzl

Congrats, Josef! Good luck with everything!

18 March 2009

New York Times Hates Him Too

http://nytimes.com/2009/03/18/arts/design/18fair.html?8dpc

It's a review of Shepard Fairey's retrospective show. The title of the article is "Rebel Without The Claws". I lolled.

15 March 2009

The Day The Clown Cried

http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/the_day_the_clown_cried.html

This is a script to a movie called "The Day The Clown Cried," starring Jerry Lewis as a clown who's taken to a concentration camp. It was filmed and edited, but never released. Apparently, Jerry Lewis has the only videocasette copy of it, locked away in his office.

Read the ending.

Cakefarts

Not Safe For Work, as they say. Probably also Not Safe For the Culinary Arts:

http://cakefarts.com/

I'd like to thank DB for this one.

14 March 2009

New York Magazine

I am writing a piece for New York Magazine. With a pseudonym. I am completely serious. Will post when it's available.

12 March 2009

My Video Is An Editor's Pick

My video was officially selected as an Editor's Pick at blogs.amctv.com/breaking-bad-contest. They called it a "unicorn masterpiece." Somebody please shoot me in the brain. It's downhill from here.

Dr. Phil



Bumfights isn't nearly as cool as the guy who has the shattered glass in his butt. If anybody should go on Dr. Phil, it should be the butt guy.

11 March 2009

This is funny, I guess.

Whatever.

There are other episodes on YouTube. Whatever.

10 March 2009

Talk Amongst Yourselves

I'm opening this post to comments. There are about 20 lonely, disaffected and emotionally underdeveloped people who read this site. See, you have something in common!

09 March 2009

Got Gingivitis

Got gingivitis. Will not be posting for the next few days. My teeth are all coming out. here's what it looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBoY3ccSzrE

07 March 2009

I Urge You Not To Watch The Video Of The Guy With Glass In His Bum

I don't know if anyone has seen this video, but you shouldn't. It's called "One Guy One Jar" or something like that. A dude puts a pickle jar in his ass...probably to prove to all his friends that he wasn't lying about being able to put a pickle jar in his ass. And, of course, since the jar is empty, it shatters inside him.

Do not watch this video. You will never be able to get that subtle but disturbing "pop" sound out of your head. You know, the sound that sounds like a combination of a tupperware container popping open in the microwave and a drunk guy tossing a bottle at a brick wall. That sound will never leave you.

And then there's the three and half minutes he spends gingerly pulling slivers of glass out of his colon, as blood pours steadily onto the lid of the jar, pooling beneath his feet. And the last piece of glass. The really small piece of glass that he has to dig around for for nearly a minute before finally pulling it out of his body and standing up.

And then when he stands up, you hear the inevitable...more pieces of glass still inside him, grinding together. And the fact that he makes no noise otherwise. No scream. No grunting. No "Oh My God It's Happening Again." Just the eerie quiet of panic. Accompanied by glass sounds.

On second thought, go ahead and watch it. It's kind of cute!

06 March 2009

"Want To Have Sex With My Daughter" ???!!

This means one of two things: 1) people desperately want to read my comic monologue, or 2) people desperately want to...well...part virgin waters.

Breaking Bad Update

I'd like to let you kids know how appreciative I am of your votes in this contest. But it ain't gonna be no kiddy ride anymore. I have competition now. Real competition. Competition that's going to be hard to beat. Like this guy:



I gotsta win those dvd's.

05 March 2009

Breaking Bad Posted My Video

http://blogs.amctv.com/breaking-bad-contest/

There are currently two submissions to the contest...and mine is one of them. HOLY GOD. This might be the best day of my life. Go and vote! If I get enough votes, I'll have the chance to go to New Mexico and have a walk-on role in the show.

I know, I usually joke about things like this, but seriously, if you go and log-in and vote, we might be able to beat the system. And by the "system," I mean a toddler. And by "beat," I mean "throw off of a roof." And by "toddler," I mean "confetti." And by "roof," I mean "parade limousine in New Mexico."

04 March 2009

My "Breaking Bad" Contest Submission


I went for the "My Name Is..." monologue. I think I have a good chance of winning. They review the videos before they post them, so if you don't see mine up there, that's why.

Also, you might not be able to watch this until 5:30 or so.

"Breaking Bad" Contest

So there's a show called "Breaking Bad" on AMC. You've probably seen the ads in the subway. They're having a contest where people send in videos of themselves performing monologues from the show. It will be an absolute GOLDMINE once submissions start coming in. I'm thinking of submitting something myself. Will post it when it's ready.

http://blogs.amctv.com/breaking-bad-contest/


03 March 2009

Stan Lerner Is God

I can't seem to keep on target for applying to jobs. So I'll post this. It might be the funniest thing in the world:

All I can say is: thank Christ's good humor for L.A.

Prior to the age of 13, Stan Lerner the child prodigy was already being compared to the great artists of history. A painter inspired by Miro and writing reminiscent of Poe and Tolstoy, few questioned his artistic destiny. Today he stands almost alone as the towering artistic force of our time. From the paintings of Black Period to the motion picture Meet The Family and the Las Vegas spectacle Night Tribe, he has done nothing less than shift the paradigm of his chosen media. An artist’s artist, his name resounds in the worlds of both art and business. But more than this, he has been a light to the disenfranchised. Embracing the dark yet not afraid to find humor or reveal the pure sexual celebration of music, Lerner’s diverse pallet intoxicates the senses. Born and raised in East Los Angeles, Stan Lerner the author is the product of the worst public school systems in the United States. Yet he was accepted to UCLA where he attended, and was perhaps most distinguished for his lifestyle and business savvy. A multi-millionaire artist by the age of eighteen his great artistic talent was perhaps eclipsed in the public eye by his fantastic wealth and fast lifestyle.Ultimately the death of his beloved father gave him the focus to pursue his artistic talents singularly. As a painter, playwright, musician, choreographer, screenwriter, director, and novelist, triumph after triumph has ensued.The one time jet setter is now hardly seen in public.The Lerner work however is never ending and always evolving. It is hard to imagine that such a profound body of work spanning more than twenty years is the work of a man in his early forties. Lerner now only further solidifies his place in history and his value as a national treasure with every artistic endeavor.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Stan Lerner: The Jesus of Heaven

Rock And Roll Babies

I love rock and roll babies.

They make my heart swell with baby fluid.

I become rock and roll babies.

I dance the sweet dance of babyhood to, apparently, the music of ONLY THE BAND RANCID.

I'll have the Seafood Ravioli, with Zuppa Toscana please. It's so good.

This little guy's parents must live in Brooklyn. They're probably also vegan, because they were using lambskin condoms, which, as we all know, are very ineffective on keeping semen out of you.

And lastly, The Curious Case Of Elvis.

01 March 2009

Live Blog 4

9:02 PM
Live blogging is boring as boobie tassles. I'm going for a bike ride. You can go fuck yourself.

Live Blog 3

9:01 PM
You guys ever have blood in your stool? Me too. I'm liking this album a lot so far. I don't know what the girl is singing about, though.

Live Blog 2

9:00 PM
I have to poop. I think I'm going to poop in the toilet.

Cursive Live Blog

8:59 PM

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Live Blogging The New Cursive Album


Unholy abomination! Cursive's new album "Mama, I'm Swollen" is available at saddle-creek.com for $1 today. Thought I'd let you guys know. Every day they'll make it a dollar more expensive.

Think of it as an investment. You can always sell the thing back in a week and make enough to buy half a crack rock.

I'll be live-blogging the album later tonight. You heard what I said.

28 February 2009

All Good Things Must Come To A...WAIT A MINUTE!!


Hey guys,

It's been a tough couple of dream weeks. First, my gold fish died. Then, it came back to life but had a taste for human flesh. Then I woke up. But since then, I've had a tough couple of weeks. No longer "living" in New York. Yadda yadda yadda. Here are some things I do to keep in good spirits:

1) Finger Go In Butt
You'd be surprised how good it can make you feel to jimmy a couple knuckles into the old kaboose.

2) Finger Go In Urethra
Wowzers! I'd been masturbating the normal way for far too long. The tissue inside your penis is much more sensitive, because you haven't been trying to fuck bricks all week to win a bet with that Skate Zone DJ.

3) Self Go To Doctor
If you're feeling down, or you completed step two immediately after step one, just hit the old "Turkish Medical Baths." That's my terminology for "Hospital". A word if you please: dine and dash on hospital visits. They can't catch you, since you get a short speed boost after grabbing a health pack.

4) This:

5) Boiling Water Party Tricks
I've realized accidentally that if you have a pot of water boiling, it won't be scalding right away. When you see the bubbles forming on the bottom, call your buddies over and be like "Hola buddies! My hands are too cold. I know how to warm them up!" Then plunge them in the water and start screaming. Or splash the whole thing on one of your friends to make them think you're trying to permanently scar them.

Awesome. Now go have fun.

25 February 2009

Wowzers

I did a Google image search for "wowzers," and this was the first picture. Consider it an apology letter for never updating. Imagine that Inspector Gadget is saying this:

Dear forgiving and loyal Taste Your Maker readers,

Did you see this awesome mirror I have? I found it last night. I was driving down the highway, and there was a flash from the side of the road. When I went to check things out, I found a car in which several grenades had gone off. Holy tomatoes! Then I found this mirror.

Love,
Great Gatsby

23 February 2009

Taste Your Awards

Now, the moment you've been waiting for all year. The birth of your baby girl.Congrats!

Also, the other moment you've been waiting for all year. The Taste Your Maker Academy has been busily poring over the 36 nominees for this year's Taste Your Awards. And they've decided that all 36 nominees are winners! Except for 26 of them. Because they are homosexual.

MOST HILARIOUS PLANE CRASH
Nominees: The woman whose husband died in 9/11, Hudson River Plane
Winner: The woman whose husband died in 9/11 watching the news coverage of the Hudson River Plane

DUMBEST LOAD OF REGURGITATED CRAP FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS
Nominees: Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Winner: Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST GOD
Nominees: Jehovah, Yahweh, Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker, God, Muslim God
Winner: Muslim God

BEST PERFORMANCE BY HEATH LEDGER
Nominees: Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight, Kate Winslet in The Reader, The 'Heath Ledger's Ghost' Dancers in Slumdog Millionaire, The 'Heath Ledger's Ghost' Dancers in The Dark Knight
Winner: Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker

BIGGEST, UGLIEST ACTOR
Nominees: Mickey Rourke, Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker
Winner: Mickey Rourke's Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker

COLDEST
Nominees: Ice Cubes, Liquid Nitrogen, The Outside, Nicole Kidman, Ice Man
Winner: Mrs. Nicole "Ice Man" Kidman

BEST PICTURE, 1995
Nominees: the movie Braveheart, the movie Apollo 13, the movie Babe, the movie Il Postino, the movie Sense and Sensibility
Winner: the movie Heat

BEST CITY IN WHICH TO DO "THE SHAKE"
Nominees: Gary Indiana, Mobile Alabama, Phoenix Arizona, Bismarck North Dakota, New York, L.A., Houston, Tampa Bay, London, Tokyo
Winner: Everywhere you go

And now, the moment you've all actually been waiting for. The birth of your son.

No.

All year long, artists and objects near and far have been perfecting their craft in order to be called the "Hardest To Fuck" of 2009. Here are the nominees.

HARDEST TO FUCK
Nominees: Someone with Vaginismus, Taffy, Two bricks tied together with some rope, Onion powder in boiling water, Another penis

Winner: The woman whose husband died in 9/11 watching the news coverage of the Hudson River Plane

Honestly, who saw that coming?

22 February 2009

You've Been Rick Roll'd

I have created a new, much more bizarre video to use in Rick Rolling.

You may use this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBoY3ccSzrE

21 February 2009

Simon and Fartfunkel

My original plan for this was a full-length album, but I decided to limit myself to one song. Because I got bored making it. And there's nothing I hate more than being bored. Which you should know by now.

Please download and distribute: Simon and Fartfunkel - The Sound of Farting.

19 February 2009

NBC's Most Terrible Fucking Idea In The World

So if you've been following the news recently (and who hasn't?), then you'll know that NBC has canceled its hit show "To Catch A Predator" and replaced it with a similar show. This time, instead of cornering sex predators by luring them in via AIM, they're going after bigger fish: War Criminals.

You absolutely cannot make this shit up. NBC is trying to catch War Criminals with a TV show.

Besides the overwhelming realization that should be hitting you right now that the world is batshit insane, you should probably also be asking yourself how the fuck NBC plans on catching war criminals. Thankfully, I found a transcript from their first episode.

____________________________

RacialPurity7: hey gurl. wut's up?
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: nuttin much. just doin racially stereotypical thingz that r preventing our countrie frum achievin greatness. wats up wit u
RacialPurity7: not much, just hangin uot
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: u meen hangin *out, lolz
RacialPurity7: yah
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: so u wanna come over
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: ??
RacialPurity7: i dont know, gotta lotta machetes to sharpen
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: u kno my legs is achin for sum choppin
RacialPurity7: rly
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: u kno it
RacialPurity7: dam baby, that sounds sweet as sugah.
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: u wanna cummit acts of terrorism on me?
RacialPurity7: id luv to commit sweet, sweet acts of terrorism all ovah yo body
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: u turnin me on, gary.
RacialPurity7: u kno it.
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: so u ready to target sum civilians all up in heer?
RacialPurity7: im gonna brake some serious geneva convention all over yo face
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: sounds brootal. u cummin ova
RacialPurity7: ill be ther in half hour
g3n0c1d3v1ct1m69: bring musterd gas

17 February 2009

You Cannot Make This Shit Up

Looking for a rock jam session
Reply to: XXX Date: 2009-02-17, 12:57PM EST

My daughter wants to be a guitar player, she has finshed all the Rockbands and guitar heros which i know doesnt make her a pro but for her Birthday in march i was wondering if anyone was having some sort of jam session that she could sit in on. I am buying her her first electric guitar for her Birthday. Any information would be soo appreciated i am just a mom trying to help my daughter with her dreams Thank you

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: To be discussed

16 February 2009

Shepard Fairey: A Real American Hero

So there's been a lot of crap about Shepard Fairey "appropriating" this Associated Press photo for his Barack Obama posters. Mostly because Shepard Fairey turned around and sued the Associated Press for claiming that he in some way used their photo to make the poster. Which is preposterous. Shepard Fairey would never use their photo to make insane amounts of money. Nor would he use their photo to take advantage of America's only weakness: big lettering. No, Shepard Fairey only vandalizes things.



Personally, I don't see any resemblance between the above images. Besides, as we all know, photography is not art. So I'm going to back Shepard Fairey on this one. Let's all give the man a pat on the back.

By the way, if you'd like a copy of my new Obama poster, they're available for $3,000 a piece. It's a limited printing. Made with hawk blood.

12 February 2009

This Hurts

Soliloquy On The Spring Equinox


She said, babe, you know I miss Jill and Joe and all my funky friends, but my street understanding was just enough to know what she really meant. And I got to thinking while she was talking that I know she told the story of those special places that she goes when she rides with the others in the subway, singing: "Don't turn around, uh-oh, Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh." And if he talks to you, and you don't know why, you say your life is gonna make you die.

Well, we meet Jill and Joe and brother Herr, and the whole cool gang and they're rapping here, they're rapping there, but she's climbing on the wall. It's a clear case, Herr Kommissar, because all the children know they're all sliding down into the valley. They're all slipping on the same snow. Hear the children: "Don't turn around, uh-oh, Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh." He's got the power, and you're so weak, and your frustration will not let you speak.

11 February 2009

An Open Letter To My Landlord


Hi Landlord!

Sorry I don't know your name. I think it's oriental or cuban, but I can't remember specifically.

Anyway, sometimes I see you shuffling around outside by the garbage or I smell ethnic cooking coming from your apartment, but for the most part, you and me don't hang out very much. Why is that? I know that you have your own life and everything...which is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

What do you do all day? I really don't mean to offend you or anything, but I'm confused as to what you do all day. Besides shuffle around the garbage and make your own hummus. Because when me and the other people who pay you rent are gone all day earning rent for you, I'm worried that you don't do anything at all. Do you have any hobbies? I don't ever hear music coming from your apartment, so I don't think you're into the arts.

Then again, maybe you're into a different, silent art, like architecture or painting or maybe sculpture. But if you were into sculpture, I feel like you would probably be at a sculpture studio for most of the day, getting into sculpture stuff. Or that I would see you coming back from a sculpture show, dressed in a nice modern suit.

I know that if I could sit around all day with an enormous passive income, I'd probably turn even my most inane hobby into a lifelong pursuit. Like, if I were sort of into tables, I would spend my whole life trying to build a giant table out of something crazy like toothpicks. Then again, that's probably something I'd be more likely to do if I was into toothpicks, not tables.

Anyway, I'm writing because the internet I've been stealing from your apartment turned off yesterday, and I haven't had any internet access. Did you diminish the strength of your signal in order to keep me from getting online? Maybe you just accidentally unplugged it with your leg while you were making Pad Thai, and you just haven't noticed because you don't really like the internet very much, you just have it because it's convenient once in awhile and you have all that passive income to spend.

Anyway, that's about it. Hope things are alright.

Love,
Philip Brightmore
Champion Dog Breeder

10 February 2009

08 February 2009

Goofyville Is The Most Hilarious Place On The Internet

Thank Assfucking Christ.

Finally, a place on the internet that is hilarious. I thought we were at a loss for hilarious jokes on the internet, but it looks like I was wrong. I guess I shouldn't have bet the tip of my penis that there wasn't anything funny left on the internet.

Well, if you're anything like the tip of my penis, you're going to get a lot of enjoyment out of being hacked off by these hilarious jokes.


Welcome to Goofyville! Feast your bloodshot eyes on the horrifying wreckage from this F-5 tornado of comedy! Better yet, close those fucking eyes, or they'll probably tear open like virgin ass from the hilarious brain-rape that's about to take place. (My apologies for the mixed metaphor.)

I mean, come on guys!! You aren't convinced by the homepage??? What better way to subconsciously prepare you for imminent laughter evisceration than with a HILARIOUS CARTOON GECKO!!! IT'S LIKE HE'S STICKING TO THE GLASS OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AS IF BY MAGIC.

Let's begin.


I don't get it, what does Burger King do to you? If you've got speakers, head on over to the page itself...but don't be surprised when you start ejaculating unstoppably. It's a good idea to have a bucket around, or someone with deep sinuses.

http://www.goofyville.com/viewflash.php?name=burgerkin

Burger King makes you sing Carol Of The Bells, replacing the words with things about Burger King!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAAHHHHAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!1

That was pretty good, Goofyville. I'm glad Sandra was here, and I'm especially glad she had such empty sinuses. But I have to tell you, that hilarious Carol Of The Bells/Burger King joke wasn't nearly as cum-enducing as my favorite flash video from 2002. You know, the one where the Crazy Frog voice makes race car sounds? Yeah, that one. So I'm only as excited for you as I am for the rapture, instead of being as excited for you as I am for the super rapture (come on, wrath of God!).

Well, Goofyville, I should probably get back to substitute teaching this third grade class. I guess we'll always have Pari--


http://www.goofyville.com/viewflash.php?name=f1car

HOLY SHIT!!!!!! You got to warn me before you do that, Goofyville. I'm going to have to call a steam cleaner to get the semen off all these eight-year-olds.

Well, Goofyville, you certainly are the website for hilarious audio over photos of things. But you'll never be the website for workplace related jokes, especially for jokes about how bosses are mean or not smart. I guess we'll always have Pari--
AAAHCHCCCCHHHH! Holy Christ Alive! You just deflated my prostate like a fucking water balloon, Goofyville! Jesus Christ! Do you have any idea when to stop? Any fucking idea?

Well, you've certainly proven yourself master of visual and audio comedy, Goofyville. I will never again underestimate your impeccably ejaculatory use of images and sound to induce me to ejaculate until I die. Ejaculate. Sure, you may not have the narrative jokes down, like cute story jokes, but at least you've got the other stuff going your way. I guess we'll always have Pari--HOLY GODFUCKING DOGPENISES!!!!!!!!!! I JUST CRACKED MY HEAD OPEN ON THE COUNTER! Oh my God...now I'm cautiously pulling out pieces of my own brain and looking at them inquisitively!!

Well, Goofyville, you certainly do cause me to fall and crack my head open with comedy. But at least I'll always have those Yo Mama jokes I've been crafting since middle school. You and me, Goofyville, we'll always have Pari--
OH MY...wait, what? Why would there be people drawn on the map?

Goofyville. I know we've only been together for a short time, but I think...well...I think I'm starting to fall in love with you. No, don't look at me like that, I know a love like ours could never be. But maybe, one day, you'll find it in your heart to give some hope to a guy like me. Maybe I'll catch you in a crowd, and you'll flash me your characteristic smile, and I'll sense, if only for the moment, that a love like ours is possible...if only in dreams.

Until then, we'll always have Pari--

Seriously? Nothing else? You're a fucking cunt, Goofyville.

Ironic Compliments Superimposed On Photos Of Broken Things

I saw a band tonight called Jagula at Freddy's in Brooklyn. They were the inspiration for this series of ironic compliments superimposed on photos of broken things.








07 February 2009

Happy Waitangi Day (NZL)

You should know that I don't take holidays very fucking lightly. When it's time to celebrate, it's time to motherfucking celebrate. Is it MLK Jr. Day? Then let's get trashed and buy some heroin so we can shoot up the neighbor's dog! What's that? Presidents Day is around the corner? I know a liquor store that will sell us tattoo kits!

When the normal, average beer-drinking Joe comes across a holiday that he doesn't understand, such as Waitangi Day (NZL), his reaction is usually to ignore it, then wake his wife up so he can slap her around a little before making her clean up the vomit in his car.

But not me. On Waitangi Day, I celebrate the only way I know how. By photoshopping animal heads onto famous landmarks. Hell, it's my day, and I'm going to fucking celebrate whatever way I damn well please.

Mr. Kitty is on the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Why is it leaning? Probably because Mr. Kitty has a fat fucking head.
Sydney Opera Horse.
This ended up looking like a giraffe standing in front of the Hollywood sign, which was against my Waitangi Day wishes. I have failed you, Eerie Spirit of Waitangi Day. Slash my Waitangi Day wrists with your ghost blades!!!
This is basically how it looks anyway.

I can't exactly put my finger on why this is so offensive. But it is.