31 January 2009

New Favorite Band



This is a band called Gut, I think. I can't really tell from the video, and I don't speak Czech anymore, so I can't exactly tell. They're my new favorite band, whoever they are. Do they have a guitarist? I can't tell. If anyone knows who they are, let me know.

UPDATE: They're called "Spasm." Who knew.

I Am Web Comic: Episode 5

Click to read.

29 January 2009

The Funniest Video On YouTube

I've discovered it. I've discovered the funniest video on YouTube. I cannot emphasize this enough: This is the funniest video on YouTube. Nothing will ever be as hilarious as this video is to me. Thank you, God, for allowing me to be alive, so that I could experience this YouTube video.

An Open Letter To Barack Obama


Dear Barack Obama,

Before I get started with my open letter, let me just say that I'm incredibly happy with how things are turning out with your presidency and everything. I think the American people definitely chose the right guy for the job. I'm excited about all the stuff you're doing about the economy too.

However, and I mean this with all due respect sir, I have some questions for you. If you would answer them, it would really make my day. (To other readers--if you know Mr. Obama personally, please let me know. I could print out a copy and you could bring it to him, no problem. I used to be out of ink for my printer but I found a new ink cartridge in the original printer box).

Questions:

1. Not sure exactly what you're pointing at in the above photograph. Maybe you're just pointing in response to applause. Either way, let me know.

2. I've always used Internet Explorer, but I heard from a few people (mostly people that work in IT) that Firefox is better. So I downloaded and installed Firefox, but the font in Google search is different than in my Internet Explorer Google search. Is there a way that I can change the default web font to make it look like the one I'm used to? This has really been bothering me.

3. I have a circulatory problem called Raynaud's disease. I don't know if you've heard of it. Every once in awhile, usually when it's cold out, one of my fingers will get very cold while the others stay relatively warm. I usually try to shake the blood down into my finger when it happens. Do you think that's alright?

4. I usually only wear my shirts once before I wash them, but I wear my pants maybe four days at a time. I don't think they smell or anything, but I'm worried that people will notice I'm wearing the same pants as the day before. Should I try to draw attention away from the pants, or do you think people won't mind?

5. I have an interview tomorrow as a transcriber with a media company. I have to take a typing test tomorrow, but I haven't had a lot of experience typing over the last few weeks, and I'm worried that I won't be able to live up to the 80 WPM that I promised the company. Do you know of any methods for improving typing speed, besides the usual typing tutorials online? This question is time-sensitive, so I guess you don't have to worry about it after tomorrow.

6. The deodorant I use is Arm & Hammer "Ultra Max" unscented. The stick says that it works for 36 hours, but I feel uncomfortable not putting on deodorant in the morning. Does it even make sense to wait until midday to put on more deodorant? Or should I just not worry about it? Occasionally it cakes a little bit, but I try to scrape any extra off when I'm in the shower. The problem is that deodorant is really hard to get off your fingers, since it's water-resistant, and then I worry about putting my contacts in when I might still have deodorant on my fingers. This one is tricky.

7. I have a band, and I usually burn CDs to give to bars or clubs that we want to play at. The problem is that I don't have a lot of CD cases. I've been cannibalizing the jewel cases I have for CD's I bought, but it makes me feel uncomfortable, because I know at some point I'm going to run out or have to move, and it's going to make things tough. You're probably thinking: "Just buy more CD cases," but I was wondering if you had any ideas that would be cheaper than that.

8. I don't get very good cell phone reception in my room, so when I get a call I usually have to go by the window in the bathroom to answer it. Not very convenient. Sometimes I can get reception in my room if I stand in the right spot, though. I was wondering if you think I'd get better reception with a different cell carrier. I have AT&T now, but I could switch to Sprint or Verizon without too much trouble. Maybe the problem is just in the building construction, and there's nothing I can really do.

9. I used to put on my shoes without untying them, by slipping my thumb in the back to keep the back of the shoe from folding down. But now that winter's here, the side of my thumb has been getting a little chapped from doing that. Needless to say, I've been untying my shoes lately before putting them on, and it's easier on my thumb. What do you think about using a hand lotion to heal my thumb skin a little? Does it really heal the skin, or is it mostly a moisturizer? What's the difference?

10. I love to drink juice, but most of what I find in the store just has 100% of the Vitamin C you need. I'm wondering about the other vitamins. Dole makes a Fruit Punch that has 100% of both Vitamin C and Vitamin A, and I've been getting that. But the B vitamins are usually pretty underrepresented. I'm trying to balance my normal juice purchases out with "Vitamin B Superfood" from that one juice company. What's the name of that juice company again? I'm thinking that if I buy more than one of them online at a time, it would be cheaper than buying one at a time. But I can't remember the name of it or find their website.

Once again, Mr. Obama, thank you so much for being such a great president. If you could get me these answers, I would be fully behind you as president. It would be really awesome to know that you're there for me and the other American people.

Respectfully Yours,
Philip Brightmore
Champion Dog Breeder

27 January 2009

Adventures With TUGJOBBin: Episode 2

See previous post for explanation and first episode. Click to read.

Adventures With TUGJOBBin

I made the mistake of posting a link on Brooklyn Vegan yesterday. This comment was a response from a gentleman named TUGJOBBin:

D00000000000000000D THIS TASTEUR MARK IZ DA SHYT//why u h8in?id nevr herd of da
grl tox, but i kno not 2 listn now!!!

Congrats, TUGJOBBin! You now have a webcomic. We update every day. Click to read.

26 January 2009

Girl Talk Blows Balls Deep, Then Licks The Balls


If you can vaguely recall the last 20 years of music, but you have absolutely no interest in actually listening to any of it again, have I found the record for you.

Girl Talk is Greg Gillis, and he is a fuck. A righteous, sperm-bespattled, gin-sipping, suede jacket fuck who earns a living by selling people their own music collections. Mostly the parts that sound like Run DMC. He's a mashup DJ, and his albums are selling like hotcakes among the ironic beard crowd.

And then he is applauded. Again and again and again.

I had a chance to meet the guy last weekend outside a Fresh Taco in Bushwick, so we were able to have a chat while he was buying a couple ounces of crank from me for his dogs. Who are addicted to crank.

"How much you want, Greg Gillis."
"I gotsta make me a monstah mix tape, maaaaann!!! Like, Gilligan's Island shiznit. GO GO GADGET STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN."
"Ok. Obviously you didn't hear me. I repeat: How much you want, Greg Gillis."
"Three ounces."
"Here you go. Say, Greg Gillis, what inspires you to make music?"
"Whatcha mean?"
"Like, when you feel like making a song, what inspires you?"
"I don't get it."
"Oh, sorry. Let me explain it a little. Why are you drawn to music-making? What do you get out of music expressively?"
"I still don't follow."
"Throughout the history of mankind, people have felt the urge to create. I was just wondering what that urge feels like to you. What drives you. What inspires you. When you get down to it, it's a simple question."
"Should I phrase the answer in the form of a question?"
"No."
"Ok."
Long pause.
"Ok, Greg Gillis. Let me give you an off-the-cuff example. Say you wake up one morning and you looked outside and there was a crow sitting on your windowsill, and it made you feel a certain way, just the idea that that crow, who could have landed on any windowsill, would for some reason choose your windowsill."
"Yeah, man, that is weird. Fucking windowsill."
"No, I meant, would that inspire you to write a song?"
"Does the crow have some sick raps that could go over a Journey chorus?"
"Not at all. He doesn't have any of those things."
"Like...it could go...bah bah, chaaaa, do do dee do, bah bah....chaaaaah!!!"
...
7 hours later.
...
"...and that's why two notes played together are a chord."
"What's the second one for?"
...
28 days later
...
"I think I know what you're asking me now."
"Sweet, Greg Gillis. Tell me what I'm asking. For the love of Christ."
"So here's what you wanna know: You wanna know, when I feel like stealing the guitar line from Radiohead's 'Paranoid Android' and putting some sick Jay-Z raps over it, what makes me feel like doing that."
"Alright. You're a moron. But in a roundabout sort of way, that is what I'm asking. Why would you do something like that?"
"For money."
"It's all about money?"
"Yes."
"Not a shred of--"
"Nope. I have to go feed this crank to my dogs now. It's getting cold."

Watch to the end, where he talks about how he's as creative as pop musicians who like The Beatles. It makes me want to strangle EVERYONE I MEET.

25 January 2009

CRAIGSLIST: Gay-Themed Artwork

Gay-Themed Artwork (SoHo)
Reply to: XXXXXXXXXXXXX [?]Date: 2009-01-11, 6:17PM EST

Seeking gay-themed artwork for feature in new magazine.

-----------------------------------------



Hello,

I'd like to offer you some photos of one of my paintings for your magazine. I am a de-conceptual artist and performance artist based out of Brooklyn, NY. My art tends toward the controversial. While I am gay, I have come under verbal attack in the past due to the ironic stance against heterosexual/homosexual unity present in some of my art.

To give you an idea why there has been controversy: this piece is entitled "Fag Country" (oil on canvas, 2008, 30x40 inches). It depicts two muscular, barbaric men fighting with swords in a bleak landscape, against an otherworldly green sky. After painting "Fag Country", I left the canvas outside in the rain for two days to allow optical decay to enter into the piece as a dynamic element.

Needless to say, no one stole the piece, believing that it was trash.Attached are a few photographs. Let me know if you need anything else from me. I'd be excited to get involved with your publication.

Best,
Available

24 January 2009

I Am Web Comic: Episode 4

I'm becoming fond of these for some reason. Click.

I Am Web Comic: Episode 3

Click to read.

22 January 2009

10 Reality Shows that Would Exist in a Perfect World

10. Who Wants to Be an Art Therapist?

Artists from around the globe compete for a chance to be America's one and only art therapist.

The Catch: In the end, after years of working toward a degree--after teaching developmentally afflicted, victimized and LD students--no one gets to be an art therapist. All contestants end up in social work.

9. America's Next Top Experimental Novella Writer

A group of 9 undergraduate English majors from Villanova University compete for the chance to be America's Next Top Experimantal Novella Writer. No girls.

The Catch: In the end of the show, all copies of the finished novellas are burned. The winner is the undergrad who jumps into the fire with his manuscript.

8. Footless

The show follows the 2008 American Olympic Volleyball team. The team gets to live in luxury at the Highball Estates in downtown Los Angeles, California.
The Catch: At the end of the first episode, as the team members are fast asleep, doctors enter the compound, anaesthetize the patients and remove their feet. The result is hilarious and involves lots of crawling.

7. Dove Assistant

North America's premier dove wrangler, Matt Jinny, must choose from among 10 candidates to be his official Dove Assistant.


The Catch: The doves are stuck in a nuclear reactor.
6. Joe AIDS

Fifteen women compete for the chance to marry Joe AIDS

The Catch: At the end of the show, Joe AIDS is revealed to be merely HIV positive.

5. House of Cats

Contestants live for 4 months in this house:

The Catch: Well, there's already a catch. It's filled with cats. The other catch is that the cats are all dying. For every cat still alive when the contest is over, the contestants get $1000.

4. The Weakest Heart

Fifteen strangers with very weak hearts are forced to live in a "haunted" house for a year.

The Catch: The house is actually filled with people afflicted by Marfan Syndrome, who jump out at the contestants on occasion in an effort to get them to die from heart failure.

3. Deal or No Deal or Faces Volkswagen

This is essentially Deal or No Deal. Contestants come on the show, pick a briefcase filled with an undisclosed amount of money and get offered amounts of money by "The Banker" to give up their case.
The Catch: At the end of the show, the contestant gets to decide if he/she wants to keep their money, or if he/she would rather have a Volkswagen Beatle upholstered with the faces of all audience members.

2. Buckcherry Cumshots

In this game, teams race to see who can be the first to put together a decent cover of Buckcherry's breakthrough hit "I Love the Cocaine."

The Catch: The losing group is filmed as Buckcherry masturbates onto their faces. Same with the winners.

1. Shoelaces

Contestants go through a tricky obstacle course that tests their skills in everything from log-rolling to zipcords.

The Catch: Before the obstacle course, contestants have their skin surgically removed and replaced by hundreds of shoelaces that are kept in place with commercial staples.

20 January 2009

Back Hand Cards

Occasionally, my duties as cultural connoisseur and art detector enter into the realm of the bizarre. This is that. That is, it's this. That's...aw, fuck it. Here it is.

I was perusing the old Craigslist the other day, as is my wont, and I came across this little number: http://www.backhandcards.com/. It's a "satirical" greeting card site that was looking for paid writers. I thought "This is a job for me" as I finished my last hit of crank, locked the child-sized prison behind the mudroom and slid the armoire back into place. Little did I know the horrors that awaited me.

I have never seen a site so adequately produced from a layout standpoint, with such a decent concept that has failed in so many almost horrifying ways.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the lack of humor in these "cards" is religiously profound. We're talking Biblical shit. Like, Moses stuff. It's like Christ surfed down from heaven on the backs of a bunch of dolphins with his Super-Soaker 9000 filled with retard urine, and he doused the shit out of the unlucky bastard who wound up making this website.

Here are a few of the "satirical" greeting cards:

This has got to be some avant-garde literary attempt at the internal monologue of a schizophrenic non-native-speaker. Right? Please let that be it. "Competition reasons"? "Zip-zip recording of the breast size"? And since when does a guy know one iota about shoe designers? This completely defies logic. Hell, it defies a lot of things. What the flying fuck does "Tug of War" have to do with...whatever the hell this has to do with?

Another one:

I just...I mean...are you reading this? Did you just read the thing I just read? It's like the language that my brain invents when I start to read something during a dream. And every time you read the thing in the dream, instead of getting clearer, it gets more and more convoluted, more and more elusively diabolical.

You absolutely cannot make this shit up. It's...I have no idea. All I can guess is that in somebody, somewhere's cracked psyche, "Drive-In" is a slang term for "vagina". But even then, even if that incredibly unlikely assumption were somehow correct, this still wouldn't make any logical sense. I just...I have no idea.

If "Back Hand Cards" were just poorly executed, then fine. I wouldn't really give a shit, and I'd move on with my rootless, nomadic internet existence. But it isn't just not funny. It goes way beyond not funny, making some sort of indecipherable comment about the sexes in such an obscure and unsatisfying way that it's like the writer has found a new, retarded use for language. In this day and age, I find that indispensable.

17 January 2009

REVIEW: Kittens

Behold: the mystery, the majesty, the kissability of kittens.

Since the beginning of time, mankind has enjoyed the occasional company of tiny, miniature cats that somehow find a way to piss inside the microwave during the fifteen minutes that you're at Shaw's picking up some stuff to make a sandwich with. And you don't realize it until after you microwave the goddamn sandwich and it smells like a piss sandwich. So you raise your metatarsal boot high into the air to teach that goddamn cat a lesson... but you can't do it.

Because it's soooo cute.

Why? Why do we forgive them? What has led man to love kittens in consistently more authentic ways than he loves, say, his children or his money? Why do people fall head over heels for the kitten? I'll fucking tell you why.

They love us unconditionally.

No, that's not it.

It's because they remind us of Fiona Apple. Think about it: kittens are furry and cute, they've recorded with indie pioneer Jon Brion, they play together, they puke a lot, they're good at hiding, they have razor-sharp retractable claws, they were traumatically abused as a young girl, they love tuna and milk, they performed a joint tour with Nickel Creek in 2007, they claw the shit out of your furniture until you're literally screaming at them: "Goddamnit it, Fiona, stop fucking clawing my furniture! That love seat cost me a fortune in Marlboro points!", and when they can't understand what you're screaming at them they cock their heads to one side and meow in a little high-pitched tone, then maybe lick their paw, perform an ear-catching falsetto trill and climb inside a tissue box. Why does no one notice these things?

I've gotta fucking try harder tomorrow.

16 January 2009

REVIEW: Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion

This album sounds like a tricky furnace that runs out of ideas after two minutes. Don't ever listen to it.

That's my review. I'm bored now. Here's the conversation that went into the cover art:

"Hey, like, Panda Bear, holy shit!"
"What is it. Can't you see I'm experimenting with soundscapes?"
"Oh. I thought you were just really high on drugs and whispering into a vocorder."
"Exactly. I'm experimenting with soundscapes."
"Anyway, you have to see this thing I found at http://www.eyetricks.com/2701.htm. It's, like, it makes it look all turny and stuff."
"You're not making any sense."
"It's a picture, but it looks like it's moving and gyrating...with the soul of the universe."
"But evybody [sic] knows you can't make a picture look turny."
"Yes way. It's as turny as you can get. Come look for yourself."
"This better not be another one of those videos that scares me at the end."
"I promise it's not scary."
"Okey doke. Lemme see it."
"HOLY MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST. I'M GETTING EYEBALL BONERS."
"I knew you would, Panda Bear."
"No, I mean I'm actually getting eyeball boners. It hurts."
"What should I do?"
"I don't know man. I don't know. This is getting pretty weird. I think maybe I'm dying."
"Shit, dude. You're too cool to die."
"I know."
"Shit. I'll call Pitchfork and tell them about your boners. They might have some ideas of what you can do for your eyeball boners."
. . .
"Hello, Pitchfork?"
"Oh, hold on. [yelling] Oh, Pitchfork? Your friend's on the phone!"
"[in basement] Just a minute!"
"[to Animal Collective] He's in the basement putting together a jigsaw puzzle of the Washington Monument. He'll be here in a minute."
. . .
"Hey Animal Collective, what's up?"
"Nothing. We just got some eyeball boners, and we want to know if..."
"If I'll suck them hard?"
"What?"
"You want to know if I'll fellate your eyeball boners?"
"Um, maybe. How old are you?"
"Fourteen."
"Nice."


15 January 2009

Isrealestine

I came up with a one-state solution. And it took way too fucking long to Photoshop it.

New Zealand Flag

I added it because I'm controversial.

Palestinian Flag

I added it because I'm controversial.

14 January 2009

Benjamin Button = Forrest Gump


I'm going to pull my balls off.

That's it. I'm done. I'm gonna pop those suckers right outta the old dangle pack. Because there's nothing left to do. I'm done. It's over.

Eric Roth, screenwriter of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", is going to win an Oscar this year. Because the combined IQ of the Academy is 27. He's going to win the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. When he does, I will regretfully stand up in whatever public place I'm in (probably in a liquor store or at a job interview), wait for my audience to quiet down, and make the following statement:

"I, Philip Brightmore, will now pull off my balls." Then I'll dig down into the khakis, and with two quick tugs, retrieve my testicles to the sound of mild applause and the disembodied echoes of my own screaming.

Let me explain.

Eric Roth has gotten away with the bold-faced self-theft of every single element of "Forrest Gump," his own 1994 screenplay. The only thing differentiating the two movies? Instead of being retarded, Brad Pitt ages backwards.

For those who don't believe me, for those who saw Brad Pitt age backwards as a glorious CGI puppet and enjoyed it, I present to you your own ignoramosity. It's a long list.
  1. Both overwritten, epic tales of chance and true love are set in the rural south.
  2. Both feature main characters whose full names are used in the title.
  3. Both main characters have deep attachments to their mother, whose loss is a focal point in each film.
  4. Both main characters use those ugly arm-crutches as children, but break free miraculously.
  5. Both main characters are incredibly reticent in order to allow the audience plenty of room to project themselves onto the underwritten, one-dimensional hack jobs.
  6. Both are afflicted with developmental disorders.
  7. Both befriend a sea captain who takes them around the world. (Seriously guys!)
  8. Both sea captains haul the main character off to his first brothel and get him fucking wasted as a joke. (Did no one notice this?)
  9. Both sea captains take the main character to war. (Is the whole world retarded to have not noticed this?)
  10. Both sea captains get fucking blowed up. (Nooo!! Lieutenant Daayaan!!)
  11. The main characters both end up with boatloads of cash for no fucking reason except to give Eric Roth the freedom to do whatever the fuck he wants with them without having to worry about how they're going to finance their mindlessly wasteful trust fund lifestyles.
  12. Both find their "true love" as children, but are forced apart from said love interest due to her slutty Euro-centric liberal bullshit, you skank.
  13. The love interest goes off somewhere and fucks a bunch of dudes so that, later in the film, the main character can condescend to reaccepting her, thus proving he has some kind of self-sacrificial Christian "morality" that's really just him being a fucking idiot for taking back that slut.
  14. Love interests ostensibly leave to practice an art in a major city. (acting/ballet)
  15. When the love interest returns, she pity fucks the main character for awhile out of her own shame. Oops, preggers!
  16. Both main characters are incredibly concerned that their child will end up inheriting their disorder.
  17. Main character meets his bastard child after it's grown up a bit.
  18. Something tragic happens to the love interest.
  19. Also: both movies feature sledgehammer-over-the-fucking-brain symbolism for freedom and chance--the feather in Forrest Gump, the hummingbird in Benjamin Button.
  20. Last, but definitely not least: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." vs. "You never know what's coming for you."

As I think of more, I'll post them. For the time being, find a corner of a quiet room and fuck yourself.

12 January 2009

When was the last time YTMND was funny?

I've been surfing this "YTMND" thing you kids keep talking about. I don't get it. It's pictures and a sound clip. Does the Huffington Post have one yet? Is this the future of the internet?

Most of the minisites I've seen on there are as retarded as possible. But this page: http://peopletalking.ytmnd.com has made me realize that there may in fact, contrary to popular belief, be a God. Grab a notepad and a pen and check it out. You'll be channeling Cthulu in no time.

CRAIGSLIST: Pet Fear: The Response

This is absolutely real. This is his actual response. He thinks "Pet Fear" is a good idea. This is why WWII happened.

----------------------------

Hi Dennis, Your idea sounds very creative and I think that you could definitely contribute to the site. I am waiting word from the programmers, regarding the set up of the blogs, but I will get back with you ealry this week. We can also talk over the phone to get more familiar with each other. Looking forward to working with you. Michael

CRAIGSLIST: Pet Fear

Due to popular demand, I'm going to begin posting responses I send to CraigsList ads.

-----------------------------

Creative bloggers wanted! (stay at home)
Reply to: XXXXXXXXXXXXX [?]Date: 2009-01-11, 5:31PM EST

Hi there, I'm Michael, co-founder of a new social networking website (for both pet and non-pet owners) called PawPlace.com. We are adding a featured bloggiong section, where we want one person responsible for an exclusive area. As of now, we have nutrition, fitness, and training covered...we would like to find people to blog about CURRENT EVENTS/CELEBRITY NEWS, TECHNOLOGY/GAMING, AND VETINARY MEDICINE. If you are interested in contributing in another area, please let me know. We are based out of Chicago, but since this is strictly online, your location is irrelevant. Serious inquires only please.

----------------------------

Hello,

I'm writing in response to the ad you posted for a blog about pets. I would love to contribute, and I have a wonderful idea for a blog that I'm fairly certain hasn't been used yet by any other pet website.

The blog I'm pitching is called "Pet Fear", and it will be a guide toward getting over your fear of animals. Since I was eight, I've been deathly afraid of cats and small dogs, due to an incident involving a neighbor's cat that ended with myself losing a fingernail. I know, it seems goofy, but since then, I've struggled to appreciate the cats and dogs of my friends and family. I have plenty of stories to offer up in posts, and what I learned from those events would be helpful for other people getting over their fear of animals. More than anything else, I want to help people.

I know this doesn't fit with the blogs you were thinking about (celebrity news, technology/gaming, veterinary medicine), but if you think this sounds like a great idea, I'd love to get started. I understand that there is no pay right now, but I would be happy to make frequent posts. Let me know if you think this would work! I'd love to get involved.

Best,
Dennis

08 January 2009

How To Make Zillions Off Of Brainless Turds

That's right, you dickless fuckettes. And dicked fucks.

I got my motherfucking AdSense up in this bitch, creeping around on the right-handey side over thar. See those ugly text ads for wrinkle cream? See the shit about starting your own business and gobbling down the new generation of weight-loss speed?

It may just look like more meaningless, spirit-crushing internet garble, but that meaningless, spirit-crushing internet garble is going to turn my pocketbook into the cat's meow. If you know what I mean.

My estimates: By tomorrow, I will have at least a dozen bucks, but not in this inflationary "USD" bullshit. It'll all be internet cash. Sweet, sweet dogfucking internet cash. The next time you see me, I'll be walking around Silicon Valley with one pocket filled to the brim with e-books and the other pocket filled to the brim with internet marijuana.