14 January 2009

Benjamin Button = Forrest Gump

I'm going to pull my balls off.

That's it. I'm done. I'm gonna pop those suckers right outta the old dangle pack. Because there's nothing left to do. I'm done. It's over.

Eric Roth, screenwriter of "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", is going to win an Oscar this year. Because the combined IQ of the Academy is 27. He's going to win the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. When he does, I will regretfully stand up in whatever public place I'm in (probably in a liquor store or at a job interview), wait for my audience to quiet down, and make the following statement:

"I, Philip Brightmore, will now pull off my balls." Then I'll dig down into the khakis, and with two quick tugs, retrieve my testicles to the sound of mild applause and the disembodied echoes of my own screaming.

Let me explain.

Eric Roth has gotten away with the bold-faced self-theft of every single element of "Forrest Gump," his own 1994 screenplay. The only thing differentiating the two movies? Instead of being retarded, Brad Pitt ages backwards.

For those who don't believe me, for those who saw Brad Pitt age backwards as a glorious CGI puppet and enjoyed it, I present to you your own ignoramosity. It's a long list.
  1. Both overwritten, epic tales of chance and true love are set in the rural south.
  2. Both feature main characters whose full names are used in the title.
  3. Both main characters have deep attachments to their mother, whose loss is a focal point in each film.
  4. Both main characters use those ugly arm-crutches as children, but break free miraculously.
  5. Both main characters are incredibly reticent in order to allow the audience plenty of room to project themselves onto the underwritten, one-dimensional hack jobs.
  6. Both are afflicted with developmental disorders.
  7. Both befriend a sea captain who takes them around the world. (Seriously guys!)
  8. Both sea captains haul the main character off to his first brothel and get him fucking wasted as a joke. (Did no one notice this?)
  9. Both sea captains take the main character to war. (Is the whole world retarded to have not noticed this?)
  10. Both sea captains get fucking blowed up. (Nooo!! Lieutenant Daayaan!!)
  11. The main characters both end up with boatloads of cash for no fucking reason except to give Eric Roth the freedom to do whatever the fuck he wants with them without having to worry about how they're going to finance their mindlessly wasteful trust fund lifestyles.
  12. Both find their "true love" as children, but are forced apart from said love interest due to her slutty Euro-centric liberal bullshit, you skank.
  13. The love interest goes off somewhere and fucks a bunch of dudes so that, later in the film, the main character can condescend to reaccepting her, thus proving he has some kind of self-sacrificial Christian "morality" that's really just him being a fucking idiot for taking back that slut.
  14. Love interests ostensibly leave to practice an art in a major city. (acting/ballet)
  15. When the love interest returns, she pity fucks the main character for awhile out of her own shame. Oops, preggers!
  16. Both main characters are incredibly concerned that their child will end up inheriting their disorder.
  17. Main character meets his bastard child after it's grown up a bit.
  18. Something tragic happens to the love interest.
  19. Also: both movies feature sledgehammer-over-the-fucking-brain symbolism for freedom and chance--the feather in Forrest Gump, the hummingbird in Benjamin Button.
  20. Last, but definitely not least: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." vs. "You never know what's coming for you."

As I think of more, I'll post them. For the time being, find a corner of a quiet room and fuck yourself.


Daniel said...

thanks for doing the work for me.

especially #5

Philip Brightmore said...

No prob.