26 January 2009

Girl Talk Blows Balls Deep, Then Licks The Balls

If you can vaguely recall the last 20 years of music, but you have absolutely no interest in actually listening to any of it again, have I found the record for you.

Girl Talk is Greg Gillis, and he is a fuck. A righteous, sperm-bespattled, gin-sipping, suede jacket fuck who earns a living by selling people their own music collections. Mostly the parts that sound like Run DMC. He's a mashup DJ, and his albums are selling like hotcakes among the ironic beard crowd.

And then he is applauded. Again and again and again.

I had a chance to meet the guy last weekend outside a Fresh Taco in Bushwick, so we were able to have a chat while he was buying a couple ounces of crank from me for his dogs. Who are addicted to crank.

"How much you want, Greg Gillis."
"I gotsta make me a monstah mix tape, maaaaann!!! Like, Gilligan's Island shiznit. GO GO GADGET STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN."
"Ok. Obviously you didn't hear me. I repeat: How much you want, Greg Gillis."
"Three ounces."
"Here you go. Say, Greg Gillis, what inspires you to make music?"
"Whatcha mean?"
"Like, when you feel like making a song, what inspires you?"
"I don't get it."
"Oh, sorry. Let me explain it a little. Why are you drawn to music-making? What do you get out of music expressively?"
"I still don't follow."
"Throughout the history of mankind, people have felt the urge to create. I was just wondering what that urge feels like to you. What drives you. What inspires you. When you get down to it, it's a simple question."
"Should I phrase the answer in the form of a question?"
Long pause.
"Ok, Greg Gillis. Let me give you an off-the-cuff example. Say you wake up one morning and you looked outside and there was a crow sitting on your windowsill, and it made you feel a certain way, just the idea that that crow, who could have landed on any windowsill, would for some reason choose your windowsill."
"Yeah, man, that is weird. Fucking windowsill."
"No, I meant, would that inspire you to write a song?"
"Does the crow have some sick raps that could go over a Journey chorus?"
"Not at all. He doesn't have any of those things."
"Like...it could go...bah bah, chaaaa, do do dee do, bah bah....chaaaaah!!!"
7 hours later.
"...and that's why two notes played together are a chord."
"What's the second one for?"
28 days later
"I think I know what you're asking me now."
"Sweet, Greg Gillis. Tell me what I'm asking. For the love of Christ."
"So here's what you wanna know: You wanna know, when I feel like stealing the guitar line from Radiohead's 'Paranoid Android' and putting some sick Jay-Z raps over it, what makes me feel like doing that."
"Alright. You're a moron. But in a roundabout sort of way, that is what I'm asking. Why would you do something like that?"
"For money."
"It's all about money?"
"Not a shred of--"
"Nope. I have to go feed this crank to my dogs now. It's getting cold."

Watch to the end, where he talks about how he's as creative as pop musicians who like The Beatles. It makes me want to strangle EVERYONE I MEET.