03 February 2009

10 Reasons Christian Bale Is My Hero

Since I've begun freelancing for USD, my day job and home life have begun to intersect in some Lynchian ways. I find myself watching porn during my lunch breaks, browsing YouTube during my cigarette breaks, smoking during my porn breaks and generally eating more Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream Chips than can logically be digested by an adult male in a twenty-four hour period. My bowel movements look like this:
I also listened to Christian Bale on repeat all day long, as the new soundtrack to my life:



It's a tape that leaked recently, featuring an impossibly angry Christian Bale screaming at his Director of Photography for walking across his eyeline during a scene. The result of the tape has been a ton of media backlash against Bale, who was also accused of assaulting his mother and sister around the same time this incident occured.

Here is why Christian Bale is my Hero:

1) By the end of the tape, the word "Fuck" has entirely lost all meaning. It might as well be the word "lubitorium," "woofits," or "mungo." This has never fucking happened to me before. Christian Bale has managed to make "fuck" an inherently useless term for me. Wowzers.

2) He can manage a tirade like this AT WORK and still be called a "consummate professional" by his director. Holy woofits! Now that's a mother-mungo-ing job. Sign me up.

3) You know what's worth its weight in gold? The fact that this rocket ship of unending expletives was launched when someone WALKED INTO CHRISTIAN BALE'S PATH OF VISION. Seriously. He's like a superhero whose power is to become enraged at insignificant details. And that's a power I'd like to have. Like Crooked Painting Man or "Where's that goddamned humming coming from?!!" Man. Or Ricky Lake.

4) Is Christian Bale Welsh or American? Nobody knows. Even at the peak of his anger, the closest he comes to a Welsh accent is adding an -r to the end of "idea." You've got to have some true acting chops to not go out of character, especially when your head is about to explode from your level of anger. Or maybe you're just naturally insane. Either way, I likes it.

5) He hasn't apologized. The man hasn't apologized. The fact that he can take all this media shit and not end up blubbering like Michael Richards might make him the world's most perfect human being (if you ignore the trio of sixes tattooed in an otherworldy handwriting under his hairline).

6) Probably the most insane part of all of this is that all his shit about the guy interrupting the scene is taking place during the filming of Terminator IV. This is on the set of Terminator IV: Salvation. There is one living human being in the universe who gives more than half a shit about this movie, and his name is Christian "Consummate Professional" Bale. It takes real balls to like something so retarded if you're not it's mother.

7) He is also my hero because: apologies from the DP only result in more hilarious amounts of anger. It's like there's some kind of high-tech machine attached to Christian Bale's ears that turns every sound he hears into the sound of exactly the opposite thing happening. I wouldn't mind having one of those. It would make my love life more entertaining: "Yes, keep on doing that! That feels good! Yes! Continue having sex with me!"

8) Also, he's dreamy.

9) It is possible to hear the director and other crewmembers attempting to restrain Christian, who I can only guess is lunging forward to eat the DP's face, or perhaps cut it off and wear it for the remainder of the film.

10) Lastly, Christian Bale is my hero because he hates you as much as I do. And he can ejaculate in whatever colors he wants. But he chooses black.