28 February 2009

All Good Things Must Come To A...WAIT A MINUTE!!


Hey guys,

It's been a tough couple of dream weeks. First, my gold fish died. Then, it came back to life but had a taste for human flesh. Then I woke up. But since then, I've had a tough couple of weeks. No longer "living" in New York. Yadda yadda yadda. Here are some things I do to keep in good spirits:

1) Finger Go In Butt
You'd be surprised how good it can make you feel to jimmy a couple knuckles into the old kaboose.

2) Finger Go In Urethra
Wowzers! I'd been masturbating the normal way for far too long. The tissue inside your penis is much more sensitive, because you haven't been trying to fuck bricks all week to win a bet with that Skate Zone DJ.

3) Self Go To Doctor
If you're feeling down, or you completed step two immediately after step one, just hit the old "Turkish Medical Baths." That's my terminology for "Hospital". A word if you please: dine and dash on hospital visits. They can't catch you, since you get a short speed boost after grabbing a health pack.

4) This:

5) Boiling Water Party Tricks
I've realized accidentally that if you have a pot of water boiling, it won't be scalding right away. When you see the bubbles forming on the bottom, call your buddies over and be like "Hola buddies! My hands are too cold. I know how to warm them up!" Then plunge them in the water and start screaming. Or splash the whole thing on one of your friends to make them think you're trying to permanently scar them.

Awesome. Now go have fun.