11 February 2009

An Open Letter To My Landlord


Hi Landlord!

Sorry I don't know your name. I think it's oriental or cuban, but I can't remember specifically.

Anyway, sometimes I see you shuffling around outside by the garbage or I smell ethnic cooking coming from your apartment, but for the most part, you and me don't hang out very much. Why is that? I know that you have your own life and everything...which is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

What do you do all day? I really don't mean to offend you or anything, but I'm confused as to what you do all day. Besides shuffle around the garbage and make your own hummus. Because when me and the other people who pay you rent are gone all day earning rent for you, I'm worried that you don't do anything at all. Do you have any hobbies? I don't ever hear music coming from your apartment, so I don't think you're into the arts.

Then again, maybe you're into a different, silent art, like architecture or painting or maybe sculpture. But if you were into sculpture, I feel like you would probably be at a sculpture studio for most of the day, getting into sculpture stuff. Or that I would see you coming back from a sculpture show, dressed in a nice modern suit.

I know that if I could sit around all day with an enormous passive income, I'd probably turn even my most inane hobby into a lifelong pursuit. Like, if I were sort of into tables, I would spend my whole life trying to build a giant table out of something crazy like toothpicks. Then again, that's probably something I'd be more likely to do if I was into toothpicks, not tables.

Anyway, I'm writing because the internet I've been stealing from your apartment turned off yesterday, and I haven't had any internet access. Did you diminish the strength of your signal in order to keep me from getting online? Maybe you just accidentally unplugged it with your leg while you were making Pad Thai, and you just haven't noticed because you don't really like the internet very much, you just have it because it's convenient once in awhile and you have all that passive income to spend.

Anyway, that's about it. Hope things are alright.

Love,
Philip Brightmore
Champion Dog Breeder