23 February 2009

Taste Your Awards

Now, the moment you've been waiting for all year. The birth of your baby girl.Congrats!

Also, the other moment you've been waiting for all year. The Taste Your Maker Academy has been busily poring over the 36 nominees for this year's Taste Your Awards. And they've decided that all 36 nominees are winners! Except for 26 of them. Because they are homosexual.

MOST HILARIOUS PLANE CRASH
Nominees: The woman whose husband died in 9/11, Hudson River Plane
Winner: The woman whose husband died in 9/11 watching the news coverage of the Hudson River Plane

DUMBEST LOAD OF REGURGITATED CRAP FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS
Nominees: Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Winner: Curious Case of Benjamin Button

BEST GOD
Nominees: Jehovah, Yahweh, Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker, God, Muslim God
Winner: Muslim God

BEST PERFORMANCE BY HEATH LEDGER
Nominees: Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight, Kate Winslet in The Reader, The 'Heath Ledger's Ghost' Dancers in Slumdog Millionaire, The 'Heath Ledger's Ghost' Dancers in The Dark Knight
Winner: Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker

BIGGEST, UGLIEST ACTOR
Nominees: Mickey Rourke, Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker
Winner: Mickey Rourke's Penis with Face Drawn On It In Permanent Marker

COLDEST
Nominees: Ice Cubes, Liquid Nitrogen, The Outside, Nicole Kidman, Ice Man
Winner: Mrs. Nicole "Ice Man" Kidman

BEST PICTURE, 1995
Nominees: the movie Braveheart, the movie Apollo 13, the movie Babe, the movie Il Postino, the movie Sense and Sensibility
Winner: the movie Heat

BEST CITY IN WHICH TO DO "THE SHAKE"
Nominees: Gary Indiana, Mobile Alabama, Phoenix Arizona, Bismarck North Dakota, New York, L.A., Houston, Tampa Bay, London, Tokyo
Winner: Everywhere you go

And now, the moment you've all actually been waiting for. The birth of your son.

No.

All year long, artists and objects near and far have been perfecting their craft in order to be called the "Hardest To Fuck" of 2009. Here are the nominees.

HARDEST TO FUCK
Nominees: Someone with Vaginismus, Taffy, Two bricks tied together with some rope, Onion powder in boiling water, Another penis

Winner: The woman whose husband died in 9/11 watching the news coverage of the Hudson River Plane

Honestly, who saw that coming?