31 March 2009

Butt Sadness


I got eyeball tears.

28 March 2009

26 March 2009

Great Opportunity To Buy Consoles

This is why I love YouTube.

24 March 2009

Food Court

It's a reality show where people bring in relatives who can't cook, and the judge and jury get to try their terrible food/improve the recipe.

I am going to be rich.

Found Art

This is my first time on this site, and just from reading what you and others have written, I find the idea of a writer’s assistant very appealing. I have been trying to write books for years, but other than that, I have had no idea whatsoever about how I could get my foot in the door. This looks to be a great way to become an author, which has always been my greatest dream. Although I am currently in the military, I don’t think of myself as a “military” person. I want to write books, and weave stories from of my strange and dark imagination. I want people to read my books and do what they will with the stories, whether they love or hate them. I am now living in Clovis, New Mexico, the armpit of the U.S. and, surprisingly have had a series of ideas for a great story. The trouble is, I don’t have the time I need to write when I feel the urge to! So, one thing I would like to know: Wht would be the background I might need to impress a writer enough to hire me as an assistant? And, one more thing: Is there anyone in particular who needs an assistant and would give me a shot to impress them? My E-mail, if it doesn’t already show up is XXXXXX119@aol.com. I would love a chance to be a writer’s assistant!

23 March 2009

21 March 2009

PITCHFORK FUCKERY: Chairlift

This was posted on Pitchfork about a recent live show by the band Chairlift:

I've always been in awe-- and more than a little jealous-- of girls like Chairlift singer-keyboardist Caroline Polachek. She's just seems so effortlessly beautiful, never looking like she's wearing makeup or paying any attention to what she's wearing, yet radiating sexiness and peace and happiness.

Last night, Polachek wore a ripped-up men's button down shirt-- sleeves cut out to reveal a black bra-- and tight denim shorts. And I don't know WHAT was going on with her legs-- she either has lines resembling the outlines of some very complicated stockings tattooed on her, or she drew them on there. Either way, it looked amazing. If most people did that, we would just look like idiots with weird lines scrawled on our legs. But Polachek pulled it off gracefully.

It would be easy to hate on someone like Caroline Polachek if you just looked at her, but Chairlift's music is too seductive to dismiss.

I only posted this in case you needed further proof that independent music is dead. Decapitated, dismemebered, evidence of anal and vaginal rape. Dead. Have a funeral. Collect the insurance money. Buy a boat. It's gone.

19 March 2009

This One's For John

http://www.smashingpumpkins.com/pages/articles/kafka-heavy-metal-machines

Official SmashingPumpkins.com blog post about literary references in Zeitgeist. My body is made out of laughter.

Making The News!

Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that one of our readers has made the news. Check out the wiki article!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Josef_Fritzl

Congrats, Josef! Good luck with everything!

18 March 2009

New York Times Hates Him Too

http://nytimes.com/2009/03/18/arts/design/18fair.html?8dpc

It's a review of Shepard Fairey's retrospective show. The title of the article is "Rebel Without The Claws". I lolled.

15 March 2009

The Day The Clown Cried

http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/the_day_the_clown_cried.html

This is a script to a movie called "The Day The Clown Cried," starring Jerry Lewis as a clown who's taken to a concentration camp. It was filmed and edited, but never released. Apparently, Jerry Lewis has the only videocasette copy of it, locked away in his office.

Read the ending.

Cakefarts

Not Safe For Work, as they say. Probably also Not Safe For the Culinary Arts:

http://cakefarts.com/

I'd like to thank DB for this one.

14 March 2009

New York Magazine

I am writing a piece for New York Magazine. With a pseudonym. I am completely serious. Will post when it's available.

12 March 2009

My Video Is An Editor's Pick

My video was officially selected as an Editor's Pick at blogs.amctv.com/breaking-bad-contest. They called it a "unicorn masterpiece." Somebody please shoot me in the brain. It's downhill from here.

Dr. Phil



Bumfights isn't nearly as cool as the guy who has the shattered glass in his butt. If anybody should go on Dr. Phil, it should be the butt guy.

11 March 2009

This is funny, I guess.

Whatever.

There are other episodes on YouTube. Whatever.

10 March 2009

Talk Amongst Yourselves

I'm opening this post to comments. There are about 20 lonely, disaffected and emotionally underdeveloped people who read this site. See, you have something in common!

09 March 2009

Got Gingivitis

Got gingivitis. Will not be posting for the next few days. My teeth are all coming out. here's what it looks like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBoY3ccSzrE

07 March 2009

I Urge You Not To Watch The Video Of The Guy With Glass In His Bum

I don't know if anyone has seen this video, but you shouldn't. It's called "One Guy One Jar" or something like that. A dude puts a pickle jar in his ass...probably to prove to all his friends that he wasn't lying about being able to put a pickle jar in his ass. And, of course, since the jar is empty, it shatters inside him.

Do not watch this video. You will never be able to get that subtle but disturbing "pop" sound out of your head. You know, the sound that sounds like a combination of a tupperware container popping open in the microwave and a drunk guy tossing a bottle at a brick wall. That sound will never leave you.

And then there's the three and half minutes he spends gingerly pulling slivers of glass out of his colon, as blood pours steadily onto the lid of the jar, pooling beneath his feet. And the last piece of glass. The really small piece of glass that he has to dig around for for nearly a minute before finally pulling it out of his body and standing up.

And then when he stands up, you hear the inevitable...more pieces of glass still inside him, grinding together. And the fact that he makes no noise otherwise. No scream. No grunting. No "Oh My God It's Happening Again." Just the eerie quiet of panic. Accompanied by glass sounds.

On second thought, go ahead and watch it. It's kind of cute!

06 March 2009

"Want To Have Sex With My Daughter" ???!!

This means one of two things: 1) people desperately want to read my comic monologue, or 2) people desperately want to...well...part virgin waters.

Breaking Bad Update

I'd like to let you kids know how appreciative I am of your votes in this contest. But it ain't gonna be no kiddy ride anymore. I have competition now. Real competition. Competition that's going to be hard to beat. Like this guy:



I gotsta win those dvd's.

05 March 2009

Breaking Bad Posted My Video

http://blogs.amctv.com/breaking-bad-contest/

There are currently two submissions to the contest...and mine is one of them. HOLY GOD. This might be the best day of my life. Go and vote! If I get enough votes, I'll have the chance to go to New Mexico and have a walk-on role in the show.

I know, I usually joke about things like this, but seriously, if you go and log-in and vote, we might be able to beat the system. And by the "system," I mean a toddler. And by "beat," I mean "throw off of a roof." And by "toddler," I mean "confetti." And by "roof," I mean "parade limousine in New Mexico."

04 March 2009

My "Breaking Bad" Contest Submission


I went for the "My Name Is..." monologue. I think I have a good chance of winning. They review the videos before they post them, so if you don't see mine up there, that's why.

Also, you might not be able to watch this until 5:30 or so.

"Breaking Bad" Contest

So there's a show called "Breaking Bad" on AMC. You've probably seen the ads in the subway. They're having a contest where people send in videos of themselves performing monologues from the show. It will be an absolute GOLDMINE once submissions start coming in. I'm thinking of submitting something myself. Will post it when it's ready.

http://blogs.amctv.com/breaking-bad-contest/


03 March 2009

Stan Lerner Is God

I can't seem to keep on target for applying to jobs. So I'll post this. It might be the funniest thing in the world:

All I can say is: thank Christ's good humor for L.A.

Prior to the age of 13, Stan Lerner the child prodigy was already being compared to the great artists of history. A painter inspired by Miro and writing reminiscent of Poe and Tolstoy, few questioned his artistic destiny. Today he stands almost alone as the towering artistic force of our time. From the paintings of Black Period to the motion picture Meet The Family and the Las Vegas spectacle Night Tribe, he has done nothing less than shift the paradigm of his chosen media. An artist’s artist, his name resounds in the worlds of both art and business. But more than this, he has been a light to the disenfranchised. Embracing the dark yet not afraid to find humor or reveal the pure sexual celebration of music, Lerner’s diverse pallet intoxicates the senses. Born and raised in East Los Angeles, Stan Lerner the author is the product of the worst public school systems in the United States. Yet he was accepted to UCLA where he attended, and was perhaps most distinguished for his lifestyle and business savvy. A multi-millionaire artist by the age of eighteen his great artistic talent was perhaps eclipsed in the public eye by his fantastic wealth and fast lifestyle.Ultimately the death of his beloved father gave him the focus to pursue his artistic talents singularly. As a painter, playwright, musician, choreographer, screenwriter, director, and novelist, triumph after triumph has ensued.The one time jet setter is now hardly seen in public.The Lerner work however is never ending and always evolving. It is hard to imagine that such a profound body of work spanning more than twenty years is the work of a man in his early forties. Lerner now only further solidifies his place in history and his value as a national treasure with every artistic endeavor.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Stan Lerner: The Jesus of Heaven

Rock And Roll Babies

I love rock and roll babies.

They make my heart swell with baby fluid.

I become rock and roll babies.

I dance the sweet dance of babyhood to, apparently, the music of ONLY THE BAND RANCID.

I'll have the Seafood Ravioli, with Zuppa Toscana please. It's so good.

This little guy's parents must live in Brooklyn. They're probably also vegan, because they were using lambskin condoms, which, as we all know, are very ineffective on keeping semen out of you.

And lastly, The Curious Case Of Elvis.

01 March 2009

Live Blog 4

9:02 PM
Live blogging is boring as boobie tassles. I'm going for a bike ride. You can go fuck yourself.

Live Blog 3

9:01 PM
You guys ever have blood in your stool? Me too. I'm liking this album a lot so far. I don't know what the girl is singing about, though.

Live Blog 2

9:00 PM
I have to poop. I think I'm going to poop in the toilet.

Cursive Live Blog

8:59 PM

Yeah, it's pretty awesome.

Live Blogging The New Cursive Album


Unholy abomination! Cursive's new album "Mama, I'm Swollen" is available at saddle-creek.com for $1 today. Thought I'd let you guys know. Every day they'll make it a dollar more expensive.

Think of it as an investment. You can always sell the thing back in a week and make enough to buy half a crack rock.

I'll be live-blogging the album later tonight. You heard what I said.