18 May 2009

Retard Ketchup

If you have a permanently mentally handicapped child, you know all too well the fuss and care it takes to make your child look like he's not mentally handicapped. You spend hours dressing him in the most modern sweaters and shorts, getting the most fashionable and athletic-looking Reeboks money can buy. You even hire local girls to take him on dates where the non-retarded children go. 

But, if you're a retard parent, you know that the effort you expend can be negated in one squeeze of a hamburger or tug of a hot dog. All of a sudden, your careful and attentive mothering turns into a fat, watery streak of ketchup that just screams out "I am retarded and my mother can't clean me...mahgghghghgirgz!"

No more!
New from the makers of Rape Device© comes Retard Ketchup©! Twice as effective as the other brands, Retard Ketchup© combines the salty flavors of store-variety ketchup with the less-embarrassing color of a translucent mayonnaise. 

When your retarted child suddenly gets the urge to force three hamburgers down his mouth hole, never fear. The scientists at our Ketchup Laboratories have devised a secret ketchup formula that's basically invisible on the skin and clothing--focus groups have compared the clarity, translucence and consistency of Retard Ketchup© to mucous or cloudy shampoo. No longer will little Jimmy or Sally be considered the outcast, retarded, good-for-nothing, annoying little bastards that society stigmatizes them as. Now, they're just one of the gang!

Get yours today. Also available in Black and Hispanic varieties.